Be precise with your words

Published on March 12, 2023

On average, you have 6,000 thoughts a day, often in the form of words. You also use language to describe the world around you to yourself and others.

The words you use for this are extremely important, both when talking to others and when talking to yourself. Language carries a great deal of meaning and emotional weight, consciously and unconsciously.

The words in your head matter

Because you have so many thoughts in a day, it is worth considering how you talk to yourself and others throughout the day. This contributes to an objective picture of reality.

Everyone has assumptions and a view of reality, but the aim is to become as objective as possible. When you manage that, you can expect several benefits:

1. Seeing where your power lies - Do things “have to” be done a certain way? Do you have control over them or not?

2. Building an accurate self-image - Is something really true?

3. Making good habits easier.

4. Helping and inspiring others.

5. Communicating ideas.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg. Although most communication is nonverbal, speech, language and words remain a large and important part.

A “football commentator” describing reality

Almost everyone has a voice or thought “in their head” describing the reality around them.

You can also actively use this faculty. You can formulate ideas, think them through and consider how to carry them out.

The meaning and emotional weight of the words you use for this are specific to you. Someone who is color-blind, for example, has no association with the word red. But for you and me, the color red does have meaning. Even there, there are differences. Do you think of a dark red or a light red, for example?

That is already an example of how we can both describe reality differently using the same words.

The way you describe reality is how it eventually becomes

Ultimately, it also works the other way around. The words you use to describe reality influence how you experience it.

It is not so much that objective reality changes immediately, but that what you notice changes. The opportunities were always there; you simply start noticing them. The ability to choose whether to do something was always there; certain choices simply become easier for you.

For example, once you use the words “have to” too often, you close yourself off to other options that might also exist.

The system in your brain responsible for this is the reticular activating system.

It makes sure information is filtered as it comes in. The filter is set to what you unconsciously consider important. Imagine if every stimulus came straight in: that would be far too much information. That is why you need a system to filter what matters.

How does the reticular activating system arrive at its filters?

1. It matches your self-image - If you think you are not good at something, you see reasons to confirm that, keeping the status quo unchanged. It works the other way too: you confirm why you are good at something.

2. Your name - When you hear your own name, you immediately pay attention. You often even turn around. Apparently, that is important to your brain for your “safety.”

3. Things you think about - Both good things and bad experiences. After you buy a car or a new phone, you suddenly see it everywhere. The same applies if you spend a lot of time on a particular sport or on work. You see it reflected everywhere.

4. The words you use - Your words also set the RAS filter. This often happens on a subtler level. Try paying attention to it.

Untrained, these principles cause you to fall into a reactive mindset. You are then not consciously setting your own filter, your own attention.

To get results and maintain focus on the things that really matter, it helps to set that filter yourself.

A PROACTIVE mindset!

You can train this RAS system in the following ways:

1. Regulating input: consuming information consciously.

2. Bringing focus to your life.

3. Visualization and other manifestation techniques.

4. Choosing your words consciously.

How that last point works, and carries through into other things, needs a little exploration. At its core, it is about getting closer to the truth.

Describing reality more honestly

The ultimate goal is to describe reality better by choosing words that fit better.

Truth, or reality, consists of different facets, however. These can overlap. One is not necessarily bad, and another is not necessarily good.

Two things can be true at once

You might not be good at something while also having aspects you are good at.

Although that seems like a paradox, both statements are actually true.

Something else that is true, for example, is that you are exploring and learning. This is a more useful frame, because it is something you can be proud of. It implies growth rather than a fixed state: you are getting better.

Make use of this.

Positive reframing

This brings us to another human trait: the tendency to focus on negative things. This too is an evolutionary “advantage” from prehistoric times. In today’s society, greater awareness is needed to use this instinct effectively.

The basic idea is to spend about 10% of your time considering what went wrong. No more than that! This gives you enough opportunity to learn from your mistakes and think about what could be better.

“Learn the lesson, forget the pain.”

Specific words to watch out for

The nuances of individual words can be very subtle, so it is useful to address them separately.

Bear in mind that the following section involves some generalization. You may attach different meanings and feelings to these words than I do.

To better understand what the words mean to you, consider the following points:

1. In what context do you often use these words?

2. What emotional reaction does a word bring up? - Does it create resistance, make you happy, and so on?

3. Do I have control in a particular situation?

Try approaching and looking at it playfully and, above all, curiously.

Must / I have to / You have to

The words “have to” are often used in situations where you feel the options are limited. There is only one way to do something.

Words you use to force yourself

This is almost never true! There are always options; one is simply more desirable than another. You can choose not to pay your mortgage, for example, and that has consequences. You can sell your house, pay your mortgage or even make extra repayments. Everything is a choice with a consequence, including choices you say you have to make!

You have to: “forcing” others

The lack of control you seem to have can also show up as a sense that other people have to do things for you. When you need something from someone else, when someone else “has to” do something, that does not necessarily have to be the only option either.

“I am”

The words “I am” are very powerful. They are essentially a way of confirming and reinforcing your self-image.

The problem comes when you use them negatively. Even if you do not use them negatively, they reinforce your current situation rather than improve it.

Your self-image is like a thermostat

A thermostat is a mechanism that keeps the temperature at a certain level. When it drops below that level, the thermostat raises the temperature. Once it rises above it, it waits for the temperature to cool down.

Your self-image causes successes to be temporary and makes you quickly fall back to an old level. How many lottery winners lose everything again? When you have an occasional low point, your self-image brings you back to your old level: “that didn’t feel like me.”

When you catch yourself using the words “I am,” ask yourself:

1. Is it really true? Am I really this? Or do I feel this way, or is this what I or someone else thinks?

2. Does it matter? - Something may be true, but if it does not matter, why dwell on it? This is not constructive.

3. Are there other aspects that are true? - If you say you are not good at something, “I am not good at blogging / sports / etc.,” that does not help. Something else that is true, but more productive, is “I am enjoying learning,” or “I am not there yet, but we are on our way.”

Generalizations such as “never” and “always”

A generalization is a tool for extending a particular conclusion to a group. This can be a group of actions, people or objects.

For example:

1. “He / she always does this or that.”

2. “If I do this, that always happens.”

A generalization is a useful tool

You can use a generalization to protect yourself from a particular outcome.

If you know in advance that you drink too much once you have had your first beer, you can choose to stick to water in certain situations.

The underlying generalization is:

“Once I start drinking, I can never stop.”

Of course, this does not have to be true, but treating it as true can be a powerful tool for preventing that situation. That way you do not have to keep repeating your mistakes and learning again. Just be careful when using this tool: it does not always have to apply.

Vague descriptions of time

“Tomorrow never comes.”

Vague descriptions of time have no value. They are often empty promises. How often have you said you would start tomorrow? And how often did you start tomorrow? When is it actually tomorrow? Tomorrow keeps moving.

Vague descriptions of time harm your self-image. You make a promise to yourself that you cannot keep. Confidence comes from the promises you make to yourself and keep, however big or small they are. When you create a situation where that is impossible, you create a path on which you can only fail.

There are several vague descriptions of time that are better replaced with specific days or dates:

1. Someday, later, in a bit.

2. When.

3. Tomorrow.

Alternatives are:

1. Monday morning, after I get up.

2. On Sunday after exercising, I prepare lunch for the week.

3. After I have done the dishes.

4. February 11.

Tips

Awareness is the key. Bookmark this blog and reread it every week.

If I could give you one piece of homework, it would be to keep track of the words you use in a notebook. Write down the words you use and tally them. Try considering:

1. Is it really true?

2. Does it contribute to what you want?

3. What would be an alternative word or perspective?